If there is anything this year that has been so real as to give meaning to a name, it has to be the rusty
fingers of Rusty fingers. Here now to clean the cobwebs and clear the thicket, I want to promise
you, the paradise lost is now found and the not so rusty fingers of Rusty fingers, after a proper soak
in the white vinegar all rust is now wiped out. We genuinely missed you. How do you do? How
really are you?
This is no distraction to avoid a well-deserved apology. Have you heard of sabbaticals? This was
one well deserved and needed, for the revamp of the rusty not so rusty. Another distraction?
What happened?
To admit that there has been lying, procrastination, work-shy, broken-promise, is not pretty a picture
to paint, and being so human and you a beautiful human, extend the grace and forbearance an
allowance to take us by the light and blight. Can we be friends again?
I loved how you smiled, this relationship of ours is not toxic. It serves a purpose. A purpose as that
of every human to another, though not often thought well about, appreciated, and accorded the apt
affections, one cannot be blind to the human resource so rich. People are beautiful and nasty(rusty).
Of the times, close to the end of a year, it is so commonplace to have moments to reflect,
reminisce, be glad, cringe, sigh, cry, plan…(and I will leave a blank for you to add to the list). In
it all choose gratitude. It will transform the torments of memory into silent joy, one that only you
will see the elegance. And if still you find no elegance, bear whatever is becomingly and give up not
hope for this is a divine gift that has seen men through the darkest of nights to the healing rays of
dawn.
Given the gift of the present, unwrap to reveal what you didn’t have. I present you to you. Be kind
to you, relish you, enjoy you, take time to know, build and be you. Now is the best of times to try,
try and try again. Why suddenly the serious not so serious, serious discourse? It is ever to you
reader from our doing life together that we do life. And here, is home to all humans.
We’re here now! We heard the screams and shouts, that deafening call to action, this is us responding.
And more to it a promise not to be broken. The promise- we’re here now!

It is a toxic relationship; this relationship I’m having with writing. Writing has been forcing itself on me, when I can’t give it attention, or anything at all. Oh no! I give it an ‘I’ll catch you later.’ Then, when I try to catch it later, it gives me a ‘No-I’m-Not-Available-Now.-You-Refused-To-Give-Me-Time-The-Other-Day’ look. It has been like that, the last two months, but we recently had a conversation and we agreed to get back together. No one is coercing the other to be in this relationship- I promised to let go of all my side dudes, and I did, cos my relationship with writing matters that much to me. Let us see how it goes (I hope none of you is in such a relationship with a human being. If you are, dial this helpline number: #I.DESERVE.BETTER.24/7/365#)

First of all, hi please! I truly hope you’re well and that you missed Rusty Fingers. Did you? I hope you nodded your head. I started writing an article some time last month, and at the start! Yoh! I was really feeling it. Last weekend, I was telling my friends that I don’t know exactly how my creativity works. I don’t schedule my writing- an idea simply comes to me from the blues. From God! From the Universe! From the Idea Factory! Then I almost immediately sit, take my book and pen and write, without taking my eyes off the book. Yes! Till the last full stop. If I sleep on the idea for a day or two, the idea escapes, that when I feel like I’m ready to write, I have to chase the idea. I have to chase an idea that is running at a speed of a million miles per hour, while I’m running at three miles per hour. Is that jogging? Whatever man! I never catch the idea. That’s exactly what has been happening, because, well, I have been up and about a lot.

I wrote something, but didn’t publish, because, again, I chased the idea, felt like I had caught it, wrote, and then at the end felt like the article was premium trash. You don’t deserve such articles, cos you’re great. Here was my message: CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL. DESTRUCTION OF HABITATS FOR WILDLIFE AND MARINE LIFE IS REAL. DO NOT LITTER. SAVE ENERGY. MAKE SMART PURCHASES- OF PRODUCTS PACKAGED IN BIODEGRADABLE MATERIAL, OR MATERIAL (LIKE GLASS) THAT YOU CAN RE-USE. THE WORLD IS FLASHING RED DANGER SIGNALS- IT IS SHOUTING SYSTEM FAILURE, AND IT IS SHUTTING DOWN! TAKE CARE OF EARTH- OUR HOME! Seriously. I’ll hopefully write an article on this issue very soon.

That should have been last month’s message. Here is today’s, which really isn’t a message, but something I’d want to let you in on. Something I’d also want you to do- taking stock of 2020- an idea I borrowed from my favourite vlogger- Sharon Mundia alias This Is Ess. Check out her content on YouTube. She is amazing!

1. Making:

Memories. I have been intentional about putting myself out to the world- for me to see it, together with my loved ones, to marvel at its beauty, and for it to see me too. For it to see that I love it, and perhaps it will bless me for that. It’s worth noting that I took my first trip to the Kenyan Coast last month! Who am I? (This is where you need to be nice enough to not burst my bubble if you’ve been there 84 times! Thanks!)

2. Eating:

Everything other than stones. Seriously, my eating habits are poor. I need the Lord. No, I need discipline. I pass close to mutura joints and I have to turn my head, to look away, so I can resist the temptation, but the aroma! It’s hard to ignore it. Boiled eggs with kachumbari. Tuskys hotdogs. Chipo mwitu. Ngumus. (I’m sorry if you’re not Kenyan and you don’t know what these things are. Translation would be injustice to the goodness of the aforementioned. Lol!) need the Lord. On some days though, I try to eat better. I think that’s worth something.

3. Drinking:

A litre of water a day. I know it is way less than the amount I should drink in a day, but for a person that would take only one glass a day some time back, I am doing well. I even got an app to remind me to hydrate. Whew! Also, Hibiscus herbal infusion is the truth, and chamomile tea is, oh, so soothing! Someone get me a Jamhuri Day gift- boxes of tea bags, and a two-litre water bottle. Easy tracking of my water intake, you know!

4. Reading:

Binyavanga Wainaina’s memoir- ‘One Day I Will Write About This Place’, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have to say that I’m struggling with this one. I can’t exactly tell you why. I mean, it’s not doing the thing for me, if you know what I’m saying, but then again, who stops reading a book when they’re halfway through? Do you? Would you? Cos nastruuugglleee (Chimano’s voice). However, I have loved a good number of books this year. I’ll share more about that in a separate post. Stay tuned, will you?

5. Wanting:

A Polaroid camera (Canon Zoemini C instant camera, specifically, in case someone wants to buy one for a girl.) We can get one at 200 dollars only. I want to make memories, and freeze time, with a camera, that produces hardcopy pictures instantly. I want to create an album that’s larger than life. It’d also be really great for my blog. Oh my goodness! I want a camera!

6. Playing:

Several songs on repeat, on my playlist.

a. Umbombela – Soweto Gospel Choir.

b. Sauti Sol’s Midnight Train album.

c. Psalms 34- Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir

d. Stand Up (From the movie ‘Harriet’)- performed by Cynthia Erivo, and other songs.

7. Wasting:

No money. I’m gradually learning financial discipline, because money is important, but using money well is importanter. I can’t even believe that a few months ago, I’d wonder why a woman would argue with a tout for charging her an extra 20 shillings. I’d think to myself ‘Just give him the 20 bob and have the noise all over and done with.’ I am here to tell you that I am that woman now. Every shilling counts.

8. Creating:

My business. I’ve wanted to say that for the longest time. Head over to http://instagram.com/g_aloe_w_up, to see exactly what I’m talking about. There’s something for you and for everyone else. I’m not here to lie to you. Creating this has pushed me out of, and beyond my comfort zone, and I’m hoping to keep doing my best with it.

9. Wishing:

There was no pandemic at this time, or ever. I’m wishing no one had to mourn their loved one because of this disease. Actually, I just wish we were all in the Garden of Eden, eating fruits, except of the tree in the middle of the garden, playing with lions, and really, just living the ideal life. Eve and Adam!! What did you do?

10. Enjoying:

The imaginations, dreams, I have of the future. I see an amazing life. I see a well-traveled lady. I see a happy mother and wife. A loving, helpful daughter, sister, aunt, grandchild, friend and citizen. I wish you could see what goes on in my head as I think of 35-year-old Njoki, eating life with a spade and getting those spades for everyone I love, because why not? I affirm every good thing, and doing what I can to get there. May life not surprise me. Amen!

11. Loving:

My almost-three-month-old nephew Armani. He’s the cutest, most innocent, happiest child, and I love him so much.

12. Hoping:

To achieve most, if not all, of the things I had set out to achieve at the start of the year. Of course the pandemic has ensured we’re in places we didn’t think we’d be at at this time, but I want to be able to say that I used my time well- to improve myself, to be there for others. I want to be useful, and I’m hoping to say that I have been, when I’m old and gray.

13. Marvelling:

At the ability of human beings to live through unbelievable times. I’ve seen single mothers doing the most for themselves and for their children, single dads deciding to dedicate their lives to the upbringing of their children, read about people leaving abusive relationships, cancer patients being positive and resilient, people surviving loss, of jobs, property and of their loved ones, and battling depression, and coming out of it stronger. I have seen orphans and street children defying the odds, making it in life and giving back to the society. We are endowed with so much strength, and I love it when we own that!

14. Smelling:

My Bath and Body Works body splash! I love it! Also, my nephew Armani- must be the Pampers wet wipes, Johnson’s baby oil and fabric softener. You know how little babies smell. Ugh! Love, love, love!

15. Wearing:

Long, floral skirts. They make me feel like the rich aunty who gives loans to everyone who needs money, and drives everyone to their houses at the end of events, when they don’t want me to pay their Uber fee. Haha! Aunty wa Harrier! Also, wearing sunscreen has been a game-changer (http://instagram.com/g_aloe_w_up). Hop onto this bandwagon already.

16. Following:

Only people that I should follow on social media. This is a story for another day.

17. Noticing:

That I’m saying ‘Yes!’ a lot more. I’m more adventurous now, and unapologetically going after things that spark joy in my life, where in the past I’d have excuses as to why I could not experience new places, new people; ‘Do I really have to? This is too scary. What if this goes wrong? What if I try to learn swimming and I drown while at it? What if I start this business and it fails? What if this guy breaks my heart?’ Now I’m just like ‘Truthfully, no one has to do anything, but this life is for the living, and no one comes out of it alive. So I might as well take chances, do new, exciting things, and live it while I’m here. Tomorrow is not promised.’ I read something the other day: I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud… I want my everyday to make God belly-laugh, glad that He gave life to someone that loves the gift. I’m into that!

18. Knowing:

That God answers prayers. I have kinda always known that, but now, I really, truly know, and believe, that God meant it when He said ‘Ask and it shall be given unto you…’ When we pray in faith, God listens to us, and He answers us. I hope you believe that too.

19. Feeling:

A lot of emotions- mostly hopeful. Hopeful that these last days of 2020 will be better for everyone, compared to the other days we have had. I am hopeful that 2021 will not be 2020 ProMax. I am hopeful, that there will be restoration, healing and revival for all of us.

20. Bookmarking:

Almost every page on Dale Carnegie’s ‘How To Win Friends and Influence People’. Read that book if you haven’t. That’s all I’m going to say for now.

21. Opening:

Up more to the idea that forgiving people and trusting them again are different things. You can forgive someone and still not want them in your life, and that’s okay. Also, I am opening up more about my feelings. In the past, I’d keep my thoughts to myself, thinking the other person should be sober enough to figure out ‘how things should be.’ Communicating exactly what I’m feeling and what I want is doing me and my relationships well, for the most part.

22. Giggling:

At funny videos with Nigerian actors’ reactions. It gets me every time. Also, the ‘Spell Collins’ video, especially when Barbez imitates the guy. He is asked to spell Collins and he goes, ‘S-Q-Z-Y-R-O…’ Your ribs will crack.

I have had so much fun writing this article, and I’d totally want you to do this on your blog if you have one, or on your notebook. It’s a good way to know where you are right now, and super-helpful in charting the way forward for yourself.

I randomly pick #18. What’s the one thing you know for sure? What’s the one thing 2020 has taught you, or reminded you? Thanks for stopping by, you wonderful person. I’m judging you if you haven’t subscribed to this blog. Remember to spread love, joy and light in the spaces you find yourself in. Wear your mask when you step out. Wash your hands. Respect other Ministry of Health guidelines. Till next time! Be well!

I just wanna feel something , I just wanna feel,
I just wanna feel something, I just wanna feel,
Something really real, so that that I can feel
like really real.

DON’T LOVE ME LIKE THAT.

‘This is how you’ve been making me feel all this while. You don’t even call me sweet names…’ said one beautiful person when we were breaking up many years ago. I said, ‘What the hell?’

Well, hi please! I hope you’re doing alright and if you’re not, please hang in there and do what you ought to do to feel better. I hope you know what that is.

The beautiful person just said they felt unappreciated cos I didn’t call him munchkin/darling/sweetheart all the time. I’d call him Ribashongilogasheshiakili! I know! You probably want to ask ‘Would you rather refer to him by his long name than call him honeybunch? I mean, that is his I.D! Really?’ I appreciated him. I mean, I bought him socks!! Hi ladies! Manufacturers of socks owe us one because they are probably nothing without us (or are they? Manufacturers of socks with no regular customers.)

Later when wisdom came by as my tenant, I realized how crucial this thing is- loving people how they want to be loved, not how we feel like we should love them, or how they want to feel loved. The only way, or the main way, they will feel really loved. Their love language.

I’m not saying I don’t love sweet names nor beautiful words. Who doesn’t love those? I feel like I gas myself up so much so that I don’t need it from others. Narcissist? No! Self love! Yes! You simply cannot rely on people to tell you good things about yourself, right? People mostly show love how they want it shown to them. I will more often than not buy gifts cos I love to receive gifts, not that relationships are transactional, but because that just happens to be how I feel really loved and well thought of. (Now, to friends who want to crucify me because I have never bought them gifts- THE DAY DRAWETH NIGH!)

This doesn’t just apply in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. Parents have their love languages.,
where they never necessarily say, ‘I love you’ but will have you fit clothings they grabbed on their
way home or have some chicken in a foil just for you from a party only to abdicate the supper
responsibility. So do our siblings and friends. I’d write my mum sweet messages, because, words of affirmation! My dad will tell me to hand him my phone or put it away when he’s trying to talk to me- when telling me stories he finds exciting, that I’ve probably heard before. Or when he tells me how things were in Kenya during President Moi’s reign, and I’m peeping at my phone. Quality time?

This brings me to the point that: the person you felt didn’t love you probably did. They perhaps didn’t learn your love language, or they just insisted on showing you love in their own way, and you missed it. Well, of course, except if the person was toxic, e.g. violent. I’m here to tell you that there’s no love hidden in violence. It doesn’t matter so much that you didn’t know this then, but for the future, or now, here are the five love languages:

a. Words Of Affirmation

Self: encouraging yourself.

Positive self talk. You know how it goes.

Daily affirmations (Hi Winfrey Masese!💛). ‘I am pretty cool.’ ‘I have a small tummy.’ Haha! Say it to yourself till you believe it.

Journalling. Be in tune with your emotions.

Self- improvement: acquire skills, learn a foreign language, etc.

Others:

Write them a letter/poem/sweet random message/make a card.

Tell them why you love them, every so often.

Tell them you are proud of them and that you can see they are doing better for themselves.

Notice something exceptional about them and tell them and truly listen to them.

Say I LOVE YOU often.

God! Oh yes!

Hebrews 13:15 By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of [our] lips giving thanks to His name.

I’m pretty sure God knows He’s incredible and majestic, but He loves it when we praise and adore Him.

b. Acts Of Service

Self: doing things for yourself that make you feel good/ make life easier.

Cleaning.

Delegating duties- you don’t have to do everything.

Organizing- e.g. declutter closet.

Scheduling- plan on how to spend your time

Others:

Make a podcast/music playlist for them (Hi Marion!💛)

Do an errand/task they don’t enjoy doing. (Who will be washing our dishes? I’ll lose my mind!)

Ask, ‘What can I help you with?’ Often say, ‘Let me do that for you.’

Help them do amazing things for someone they love- organizing a birthday party, a baby shower event, anniversary party, name them!

God:

Mat 25:39-40 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done [it] unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done [it] unto me.

Read: James 1:27 and chapter 13 to 17 of Mathew.

Christ washed His disciples’ feet, even though they could do it themselves, as a symbol of humility and service. We are God’s hands now, and we serve God by serving others- widows, orphans and your nextdoor neighbor whose welfare you’ve never thought of finding out. Share potatoes your grandma sends from upcountry, or give a few of (or a lot of) the chapati you make on Friday evenings.

c. Receiving Gifts

Self: treating yourself to gifts that make you happy.

Go out- nature trails, restaurants, etc.

Reward yourself when you feel that you should. Tell yourself ‘Hell Yes!’ to little gifts.

Smell like a tropical garden (eti usitembee huku nje ukinuka nguvu 😂. Translation: Don’t walk out here smelling like strength! I’m not kidding!)

Invest in yourself- get good products for yourself, like Forever Living products (http://instagram.com/g_aloe_w_up). (Click that link and follow for everything nice!). Don’t wear shoes that pinch your toes if you can afford to get another pair. Don’t use a toothbrush you bought in 2015. Please. Invest in yourself, we’re only here for a while.

Others:

Give them something you think they could use and enjoy.

Cook/ buy their favourite food.

Buy them meaningful gifts for special events.

Buy a clothing item they’ve been saying they want.

Take note of what they say they like, and make it happen for them when you can.

God:

Romans 12:1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, [which is] your reasonable service.

There’s nothing we can give to God that He doesn’t already have. He gives us everything we have, or think we have, anyway. Give yourself to God and allow Him to use you, for you are His. It is the best expression of love- to give ourselves to Him!

d. Quality Time

Self: spending time alone, doing things you love.

Reading.

Meditation.

Take yourself out on dates.

Take time on hobbies and creativity- painting, writing, etc.

Relaxing. Sometimes, take time to just be. (Hi Peggy!💛)

Others:

Watch a movie/play (Hi Barbez!💛) together.

Bake/cook together (Hi Praxidis, Sharon and Nyaruri!💛💛💛💛)

Stroll together (Hi Anto!💛)

Regular date schedules.

Make eye contact and ignore your phone when talking to them.

Host game nights (Hi Rukunga!💛)

Work out together.

Pick up new habits together.

Love, really, is a four-letter word spelt T-I-M-E!

God:

Deuteronomy 17:19 And it shall be with him, and he shall read therein all the days of his life: that he may learn to fear the LORD his God, to keep all the words of this law and these statutes, to do them.

The king read God’s word- for guidance, wisdom and correction. We honour God with our time by spending it with Him- by reading the Bible, praying and worshipping Him.

e. Physical Touch

Self: things that make your body feel good and focus on your physical well-being.

Get soft blankets.

Take long showers. (Hi, my siblings! 💛💛)

Take care of your hair and skin, even when they act like they don’t care.

Move your body. Exercise!

Others:

Hug them.

Style/comb their hair.

Hold their hand (PDA, who dis?)

God:

Matthew 8:3 And Jesus put forth [his] hand, and touched him, saying, I will; be thou clean. And immediately his leprosy was cleansed.
Jesus didn’t really have to touch the man to heal him. He could have healed the man at a word, but He chose to touch him. He touched a man who was considered unclean- an outcast. In the same way, we are expected to love everyone, even the ‘different’ ones. Especially the’different’ ones. That way, we will be touching God’s heart, and that, is life.

I feel like a very serious pastor right now, so before I start asking for offering, let me love you and leave you. It is of course worth noting that people don’t walk around with stickers in their foreheads written ‘Receiving Gifts Is My Love Language.’ We exist for a purpose greater than ourselves, and that includes other people. Pay attention to the people you love, and love them properly, loudly, in their own language.

Spread love and light in the spaces you find yourself in. Don’t forget to subscribe. (Scroll through the post and click on the ‘Follow+’ button, will you?

Be well! ❤️

Khaaaiii!! (the ‘mathwiti-maingi-makeki maingi’ boy’s voice.) I’m sorry if you’re not Kenyan and at this point you think this is gibberish. Stay with me, still.

Hello, wonderful person! How are you doing? How are you feeling? Are you nurturing your body, mind and spirit? Yes? Keep at it!

In the interest of full disclosure, this blog post makes sense until this point. If you usually come here for wisdom, goodbye please, at least for now. The next post, I promise, will be for you? Have I ever lied to you?? Well, except the time I said I’ll be posting one article, every week?

Are you still reading? Hahaa! Well, rusty fingers have become really rusty- zero posts in five weeks!! Such a bummer! In our defense though, these fingers have had very many things to handle. These hands that carry these fingers. We recently lost a friend, a brother, to one of us, so Rasterman has been up and about a lot. He will write to you soon! He has been going to the hospital almost daily for the last two months or so. It felt like eternity, or a second even. To this effect, we are still contributing towards settling the hospital bill which stood at 850,000 Kenyan shillings at the time of his death. Would you be kind enough to send any amount to 0702796108- Nicholas Karichu? Your assistance will be highly valued, and you will make Jesus happy. You, too, will be happy.

Njoki here has been struggling and is slowly getting her groove back. Organising a diaper party, dealing with a nasty Covid 19 scare which made me so anxious! Now I’m dealing with mouth ulcers. I can barely eat you guys!! Who am I? Also, I’m kinda working on something that I’m pretty excited about. I can’t give details right now, but the ‘something’ requires my time, energy and emotions. Ha! I’ll talk about it in another blog post as soon as I can. You might want to support me and I know you’re here for that, aren’t you?

This was totally just me checking in, lest you forget about RustyFingers.

Oh! Right before I leave, I’d love to share something that has been bugging me and I hope I don’t sound cheesy. Heck if I do! I miss someone, okay? Her name is Anne Wairimu Waruinge. She was one of my best friends in primary school, but because our decision to move from where we used to stay to where we live currently was quite drastic, I didn’t get to bid her goodbye not get her phone number. I went back there some time and it goes without saying that most people have since moved. Nine years later, I am here, missing her so much! I cried on Monday and I couldn’t even believe myself. We had such an intimate bond- we’d cry and laugh together and write each other sweet notes- one of which I still have.

While it’s true we may reconnect and not bond as strongly, I’d just want to know that she is okay. That life has been treating her kindly and if not, I would want to be there for her, after everything she did for me. Feel me? She’s not on Facebook nor on Instagram, at least not with her official name. Perhaps she’s ‘Msupa Mpenda Maselfie’ and she’s making it difficult for me to find her. Please, as you and your friends help settle Ryan’s bill (0702796108- Nicholas Karichu), please help me find Anne Wairimu Waruinge. It’s at this point I realize that I should describe her. All I know is that she’s beautiful. She had long, black hair and should be as tall as I am right now (around 155cm). She might have cut her hair or dyed it orange, or grown taller, so forgive me.

Wait! She had loooonng eye lashes, a really white iris and had randomly-scattered brown dots in her eyes. That, for sure, hasn’t changed. Comment below if you think you know her. You might have been in the same school, or she’s your sister’s friend, your girlfriend’s ex boyfriend’s sister. Help me find her. There’s a prize!

If you have been struggling for whatever reason, there’s tonnes of information on how to be productive on YouTube. I especially love a channel called ‘Pick Up Limes’ run by the beautiful Sadia. Check her out.

My friends Kimathi and Nasimiyu have been on top of their blogging game as some of us are big on excuses. Check them out as well:

youngdocnet.wordpress.com

stumahway.com

One other thing I’ve been loving is Shofar!! It’s a singing group, and they sing, oh, so beautifully! I’ve listened to ‘Wedding Day’ a thousand times in a row. Check them out on YouTube also.

It feels like I’m giving shout-outs, so shout-out to you for reading this far! The next post will be up soon. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for texting to ask when you’ll be reading Rusty Fingers again- did a lot to show me that people actually care about our content. Let us keep praying for each other, washing our hands, respecting social distancing rules and other MoH guidelines, and spreading love and light in the spaces were in.

Don’t forget to subscribe if you haven’t! Hasta la vista!

I just had to throw this somewhere- for anyone who was in Sironga High School. Remember the guy from Theatrix Arts Ensemble who would act as Owuor Kembo and we’d all scream when looked so good? Especially when he went to Akoko’s village? My classmates, do you remember I was the go-getter that walked up to him after one of their shows and we had a beautiful conversation? Soooo, I reconnected with him! I got his number in my notebook and I reached out, and he was sooo happy! He still speaks well and we have both moved on with our lives. He’s a cop now. His height had to be put to use- to serve our country. I’m selling his phone number- ten thousand bob for each digit. The obvious first digits ’07…’ are free.

Seriously, bye!❤️

Senjeeee, hello, hello, hello! (I hope you sang this line. If you didn’t, goodbye! Seriously, listen to Sauti Sol’s songs!!) It has been a hot minute and I truly hope you’re alright, in every sense- physically, spiritually, emotionally and socially, really. If you’re not, could you please talk to someone about it or something? Yes? Thank you!

So now, I’m not about to be those people (read ladies) that refuse to disclose their age for whatever reason and when asked to share their e-mail address, they gladly send: kerandinyandigisi1995@gmail.com, or loliondosister98@gmail.com. What are the odds Nyandigisi wasn’t born in 1995?

I turned 22 the other day and just like This Is Ess (you should totally check out her YouTube channel), I thought it wise to share 22 things I know for sure. 22 things I wouldn’t argue about, even if you wanted us to. Also, I’ve really been loving the song ’22’ by Taylor Swift sent to me by the lovely Stephanie Makula. My favourite line goes something like ‘…yeah! We’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It’s miserable and magical, oh yeah!…I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 22. Everything will be alright…’

Here are the 22:

1. It is okay to say ‘NO’. In fact, if it’s not a ‘Hell, yes!’ it most definitely should be a ‘No!’ (No, I won’t attend the party. No, I can’t afford that. No, don’t argue with me. Haha!)

2. Your family loves you, even when sometimes they act like they couldn’t care less about you or what’s going on in your life. They are not perfect, those members of your family, but they love you. You should too, if you don’t.

3. You need friends- not just those who have values like you, those who are like you. I have friends who are atheists, I have a 76 year-old friend and drug addicts who say they’re not. I’m yet to befriend a sorcerer, though I’m not sure I want to do that. Then again, why not?

4. Forgiving someone and trusting them enough to let them back in your life are different things. You can forgive someone and still not want them back in your life ever again, and that’s okay.

5. A man who is shorter than you should never get you stressed out. (My aunt gold me that and I believe her. Believe me too, ladies!)

6. Invest in yourself, unapologetically. You want a tub of Shea Moisture leave-in treatment for your hair that costs 25 dollars yet there’s another brand that costs 3 dollars? Get Shea Moisture. Let no one tell you nothing- just don’t rob a bank or get in debt.

7. Travel. Invest in travel. I haven’t been doing enough of this, but I try. Restaurants, museums, nature trails, game parks, heck! Even other countries if you can afford it. It opens up your mind, helps you to make friends and appreciate cultures different from your own. It relieves stress and being out in nature reminds you of how great our God is. I could go on and on, but seriously, the rewards are worth every penny.

8. Waking up early makes you have a longer* day and chances of being more productive are very high. I suck at this one, but I know this fact, for sure. Wake up early.

9. I can’t say this enough- reading is food for the soul. Read newspapers, a novel, short stories, world history, the Bible, the Quran. Even billboards. Read! It will broaden your scope and you’ll appreciate people’s brains because some authors!!! You’ll even enjoy more meaningful conversations because you will be knowledgeable, in whatever field you’re interested in.

10. Journal. Write your emotions and goals and gratitude lists. Put it all down on paper- helps you be in tune with your emotions and goals written down are more easily achievable than those that are everywhere in your head.

11. The Kardashians are hated for no reason. Those people motivate me! Not to get a lip job done, but to work really hard and not care about what people, who won’t be affected by any of my decisions, say.

12. Hydrate. Granted, you might spend some good time in the washroom, but the benefits of drinking water, hibiscus, are unmatched. I’ve been trying cos I’d drink water only when really thirsty. Shame on me!

13. I have more energy throughout the day when I move my body in the morning. Exercise is the truth- it even boosts the production of the happy hormone, dopamine, and maybe, just maybe, it will give you your dream body, if you have any.

14. There are things we need to deal with in order to be better humans- childhood trauma, esteem issues cropping from bad things we were told, things we believed, when we were unstable and hadn’t found our voice. Let’s face it. Therapy isn’t so Hollywood, is it?

15. Were it not for Safaricom, I’d be a millionaire right now. Seriously, financial education is important. Learn about insurance, savings, assets and liabilities, investment, even safety in your retirement, as early as possible. (I loved Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki.)

16. It is unfair to hate yourself. Your hair that’s not growing even after irrigating it with Cantu products, stretch marks, acne scars, cellulite, bad habits. Be gentle with yourself even as you try to change the changeable and love the unchangeable. Be gentle with yourself.

17. Challenging yourself is rewarding. Learn new skills and improve on those you have already. Learn a foreign language (Duolingo app is available for free, you’re welcome.) You’ll be amazed at how cool your brain is and you’ll feel pretty great about yourself too. Also, you can travel to Paris after all the French lessons, or to Spain!

18. The pain that comes with losing a loved one to the permanence that is death is indescribable. Show the people you love that you love then. Shout it, very loudly, in a language they understand. Tell them you love them. Hug them. Buy them gifts. Challenge them to be better. Support them. Encourage them. They are not here forever, and neither are you.

19. Consistency is always the test. You can choose to be working out, to avoid unhealthy foods, drink more water, journal, tithe… The big question is, ‘How consistent will you be? Will you go for morning runs only twice, have sore feet and decide to quit on the third day?’ Evaluating yourself honestly ever so often and rewarding yourself works, all the time!

20. You’re more blessed than you think you are- a roof over your head, a loving family, food on your table, a rather peaceful country, you can read these words off your screen, you’re sensitive to touch, you don’t need to use a colostomy bag, you can smell effortlessly. Be grateful. Very grateful.

21. Having mentors and role models for different aspects of your life is important. People you can look up to and even be accountable to- for career, spiritual matters, health and fitness, fashion and style, et cetera.

22. Protect your peace, and your self, no matter what it takes. Leave toxic relationships. Don’t eat bad food. Don’t clown around. Unfollow negative people on social media. Protect your peace.

BONUS TIP: Do what makes you happy, do what makes you smile, everybody is judging anyway. You’re only here for a while… Raha usijinyime (I hope you sang this line as well. Another thing I know for sure- Sauti Sol boys band is one of the greatest blessings to humanity.)

Sharing this makes me really happy, and I hope you’re happy too. Thanks for stopping by!

Share this with your people, and if you’ve read this article to this point and you haven’t subscribed yet, I’m judging you. Like this post if you did, and subscriiibbbbeee! Whew! That felt a lot like a YouTube video jazz. Ha!

Spread love and light in the spaces you find yourself in, today and every day. Be well!

Happy new month– it’s not too late to say that❤️.

Hey, hey, hey! I want to know- how have you been? It has been a minute, yeah? I hope you missed Rusty Fingers.

I have to say that we have made huge strides as a people- as Africans, and specifically as Kenyans- cos it’s my nationality, hello! I wasn’t born 84 years ago, but some of our grandparents and older friends were. I know most of our grandmothers were married off as soon as the society deemed her ‘woman enough.’ Perhaps your grandma got her first child when she was only fourteen.

Most found themselves in that situation simply because their parents thought, ‘What is school for the girl child? She should bring us cattle as soon as possible.’ I hate to think about how sad those girls must have been, seeing their brothers going to school or whatever those were- classes under trees! Whatever! It’s probably why they are always asking about education, to see their dreams fulfilled in us, or is it just my grandmother? Who keeps saying she wants to me get a First Class Honours? Ha?

I am a happy child cos people are pushing for gender equality- that women are in technology, in engineering, in the medical field, et cetera. I’m happy that there are almost equal opportunities but that’s not why we’re here. At this point I’ve realized that I tend to talk about a lot of things before actually getting to the thing. Am I apologizing?
We’ve grown so much, but there’s one thing- traditional masculinity, that we have refused to let go of. Now, masculinity in itself, aka manliness, is a good thing. It is a set of attributes, behaviours and roles associated with boys and men. It is pretty much a social construct. Toxic masculinity, a cultural concept of manliness that glorifies stoicism, strength, virility and dominance; that’s socially maladaptive/harmful to mental health. When we started Rusty Fingers, I kinda had a list of things I’d want to put out there and I have to admit that this topic wasn’t one of them.

My two girlfriends and I were having this discussion about our dads and men in general and how we feel the effects of how they were brought up in how they associate with us. These are our dads, our husbands, boyfriends. We talked about our brothers and how we’d want them to be different in some aspects, from our dads.

You see it every time- a baby girl will trip and cry for three hours and it will be okay. A little boy, the same age ast the little girl, will fall, lose a tooth and he even, almost loses a limb and he’ll be told, ‘Get up. Usilie(don’t cry). Mwanaume ni kujikaza (I’m afraid translating this to English will make it lose its meaning’s intensity, so I won’t!)’ Men are taught to suppress their emotions from a young age, and we know where that gets us. Heard about the line, ‘Hurt people hurt people’? I bet you have.
Sophie Walker, a former leader of United Kingdom’s Women Equality Party said, ‘I’m not saying all men are terrorists. I am saying that the vast majority of those involved in acts of terror are men. Refusing to make the link between violence and toxic masculinity means that we are less equipped to halt it. In my view, toxic masculinity is the cause of very many problems in our society today.’ Here are general characteristics of toxic masculinity:

1. Shame, disassociation and avoidance of emotional expression.
   Men/boys don’t cry, leaving them with few acceptable (according to standards set by the society- our society) emotions besides anger. We all know angry people aren’t fun, are they? More men than women are depressed. More men than women commit suicide. Men deal with mental issues- anxiety! Google that!

2. Extreme aspiration for physical, sexual and intellectual dominance. This would explain why some men get an ego-boost by having multiple partners. This has been the cause of frustration in more relationships than you can imagine. Of course nothing justifies cheating, but toxic masculinity is a good reason for it.

3. Extreme self-reliance/the need to do everything on their own.
This makes it less likely for men to seek treatment or reach out for help financially. Heck! I know a guy that would rather die of starvation than call the parents to ask for money, and he keeps telling me ‘Wanaume ni wa Mungu’ as if women belong to any other One. I’m not mentioning names, or should I? Haha! I appreciate you still, friend!

4. Devaluation of women’s opinions, body and sense of self.
Rapists are animals? Yes? Also, rapists possess this trait, toxic masculinity, in such a great way that if we could package it, that toxic masculinity, and sell it, we’d get enough money to feed the people under lockdown, for 84 years! Who’d want to buy the Toxic Masculinity Package though? Rapists. They certainly would.

5. Condemning anything feminine within another man or equating affection for another man as being sexually-attracted to other men, resulting in higher isolation and loneliness/ lack of social cohesion. I keep asking my boyfriends why they cannot hug like normal people, you know! A proper hug, where you actually embrace each other. Perhaps it’s for the culture that they do what they do- a very loud (I think it’s painful) high-five, then bumping shoulders and hitting the other’s back simultaneously. That’s how Kenyan guys hug* each other. I met a guy some time back who would properly hug his friends and I almost asked him to marry me, because!! My heart! Ah!❤️

Can we normalize some of these things? Can a guy just put on a pink hoodie and not have his friends question whether everything is okay? Can we normalize men walking around with lip balm? Seriously, do you like seeing those dry chapped lips? I don’t 🙃. Nivea has good lip balm for men in a navy-blue container, FYI. It’s not glossy at all, yet quite moisturising. (Ad not sponsored. Haha! Although, seriously, working with a brand would be really cool, don’t you think?) You are welcome! Normalize having men at the nail parlor to get manicure done by a professional, with no one looking at them. With absolutely no one judging them! It’s not just a girl-thing to want good nails, you guys! I’m glad, yet again, that there are brands coming up- creating even face masks for men!! Beard oil! All those good things!

Human beings, men and women alike, are social creatures. We’re all somewhat alike, and there’s need to normalize some things we’ve termed ‘too feminine’ in men. They don’t need to be tough all the time, and we should teach our boys that crying isn’t a sign of weakness. It is these that have been linked to aggression and violence (hurt people hurt people, remember?), leaving boys at risk for school discipline and even health problems- ulcers and hypertension. It is very okay to seek emotional and financial assistance. Having multiple partners is not cool, and rapists are sick animals.

A healthy, happy society will be one in which these men are not judged by any man or woman for doing what we think is feminine. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie said, ‘By far, the worst thing we do to males- by making them feel they have to be hard- is that we leave them with very fragile egos.’ I believe her. I know you do too!

No, I’m not saying y’all should dress like this. Don’t wear a lace romper, please.

Follow Rusty Fingers for notifications immediately we post! Merci!

Be well!😊

Hello, wonderful person! I am very excited to write this article- you have no idea! Rusty Fingers was nominated for the Liebster Award!! I mean, how cool is that? Someone thinks we are doing a good job and I’m here for that, and I hope you are too.

We got the nomination from Kimathi Makini, and listen! Finish reading this article cos you should (hahaa! This is the confidence we’re having in 2020!) and head over to his blog. Kimathi’s brain should be registered as a national treasure, and I’ll let you find out why: http://youngdocnet.wordpress.com.

The Liebster Award is an award that exists only on the Internet and is given to bloggers by other bloggers. I must admit that I didn’t know such a thing existed, and it makes me so happy. Writers are out here creating a beautiful community, where the pen is our best friend, and we’re not fighting for it, cos it loves us all.

RULES FOR THE AWARD:

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.

2. Answer the questions given to you.

3. Share eleven facts about yourself.

4. Nominate 5-11 bloggers.

5. Ask your nominees eleven questions.

6. Notify your nominees once you’ve uploaded your post.

ANSWERS TO KIMATHI’S QUESTIONS:

Would you rather the Truth or Dare?

Truth! All the way! I’ve made peace with most things in my life, thus I don’t think there’s anything I’d want to lie about, or hide. Someone would dare me to kiss a lion, or slap a stranger, and it’d be ridiculous, and I’d probably not do it.

Of the wonders of the world, which one fascinates you the most?

The Great Wildebeest Migration! I think it is such a spectacular phenomenon, and for the fact that it happens in my motherland, it is my favorite. All the wonders of the world are wonderful (I recently read about Taj Mahal- it’s a proposed wonder. It’s amazing what human beings can do).

What do you think would cause the world’s end? E.g. in the line of global warming, a microbe, a zombie apocalypse, alien invasion…

Global warming is the realest! We’re already seeing and feeling the effects, and I have a feeling it’s gon’ be terrible if we keep doing what we’re doing. However, with Covid-19, it’s hard to tell. Could this be it? A microbe? Who nose? Hahaa! (I hope you’re covering yours with a mask when necessary!)

Who/what is your favorite fictional character?

I’ve never really been a fan of fiction, so this is a tough one, but I’d say Snow White. I love her story!

Who do you regard as your role model? Why?

I look up to several people for various things – I love Jennifer Lopez’s enthusiasm on fitness and health. I love Oprah for being so honest about her journey – her sad past, her weaknesses and her many victories and glory. I looovee Michelle Obama for everything. I recently read her book ‘Becoming’ and I love that she works hard, and doesn’t just ride on her husband’s success. Her contribution to the community is commendable. She handles criticism so gracefully (remember this time people thought she was a man?? Shame on you, body shamers, and I hope you’re not low-key one of them). She is a phenomenal woman!

She said, ‘If you don’t get out there and define yourself, you’ll be quickly and inaccurately defined by others. ‘Becoming’ isn’t about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. It is a forward motion – toward a better self. The journey doesn’t end.’

One of your favorite memories?

Being a child? Does that count? I legit miss everything about being a child, and I know you do too. I miss not stressing about anything – what to wear (cos I had no power whatsoever. You wear what mum has bought – woven sweaters and dresses with pleats! Whew!), relationships, financial security, the ‘Am-I-really-on-the-right-track’ question. I miss everything about being a little child!

Favorite/most used word? Where did you pick it?

Wow! Shocked? Wow! Surprised? Wow! Impressed? Wow! In disbelief? Wow! Wow is my favorite word, and I can’t remember where I picked it. Wow!

If you could get a tattoo, what would it be and where on your body?

Let us be honest here. I am not getting a tattoo. I don’t love pain and I don’t want my grandmother to pass out, just after saying I’ve been recruited into an occult. To answer the question, I’d get a tattoo of a face- my mother’s or Christ’s, somewhere on my upper arm, so if my grandma happens to see it, it’d be easier to explain to her.

Would you donate your body to science?

Hell no! No! I’m not even explaining this.

Favorite quote?

The famous Dr. Seuss’ quote: ‘Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!’

What’s the one thing you want to accomplish in life?

I want, at the end of it all, to be able to say, ‘I was here. I lived. I loved. I was here… The hearts I have touched would be the proof that I lived – that I made a difference.’ I truly want to live a full life: be there for my people in all ways possible, have so many stamps on my passports, and be able to buy myself nice things without stressing about price tags, cos, why not? LIVING is the one thing I want to accomplish in life.

11 THINGS ABOUT ME:

1. I find talking about myself rather weird, so this is a tough segment. When I asked my sister what people say when asked to say eleven things about themselves, this is legit what she said I should write: Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. That goes to show that I appreciate food! It is the love of my life.

2. I fall in love with people’s voices- not just in singing. (someone tell Johnson Mwakazi I have a message for him!)

3. I am an extrovert, half the time!

4. I have facial hair, and I’m one of the few ladies that have hair growing on their chin. I trim when I remember to. You can call it a beard.

5. I share a name with my sister. We are both Margaret Kangethe. A lot of people find it interesting.

6. I am not a morning person. I am more productive at night.

7. I am a natural hair enthusiast. I just wish it was as enthusiastic about respecting me and actually growing long. *sobs*

8. I love cats, and I can’t trust anyone who doesn’t like cats. Lol!

9. I love to be grateful for many things – scents, people, places, food, animals. It kinda keeps me sane.

10. I am not huge on spontaneity. You can’t just wake up and tell me you’re taking me to the Maldives. I have to plan and prepare psychogically for almost everything – even waking up. Especially waking up.

11. I believe in God and I can’t imagine living my life any other way- believing in any other deity. Believing in God gives my life meaning.

(I had to add this- I love Beyonce, and I think artistes like Alessia Cara and Shimile are underrated. I haven’t watched Money Heist.)

MY NOMINEES:

1. Marion Nyaboke

2. Alvin Ang’ienda

3. Kamencu Nelly

4. Bronze Doll (Joy Ngugi)

5. Chome

6. Aluoch Onyango

QUESTIONS TO MY NOMINEES:

1. If you had the world’s attention for 30 seconds, what would you say?

2. Do you like your name? Would you ever change it? If yes, what would your name be?

3. What do you regret the most?

4. When you’re worried/scared, what do you do or think about to help you feel better?

5. What’s your pet peeve?

6. What is item numero uno on your bucket list?

7. Which part of your body do you love the most? You can tell us why if you want to.

8. What are your five favorite songs right now?

9. If you had to work but didn’t need the money, what would you choose to do?

10. What did you learn a little too late?

11. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Also, describe yourself using one word.

That’s about it! I have had so much fun writing this article, and I hope you had just as much fun reading!

Like this if you did! Share this! Follow this blog, cos why not? Spread love and light in the spaces you’re in, okay?

Be well!

Now that love is in the air, let’s continue to have the masks on, and whoever said love is the key, someone changed the lock! What a week for love? It has been blows and eviction for it (love) for from the south of the country to the capital, love is unwanted. In the meantime, Northern side is peaceful and I hope that will be the case for long for I will represent the East and West. I hope Wangari’s son got to read his C.V. I am also here to drop one. I hope it has such remarkable qualifications in it and the job will be secured.

It will be rare in the life of a Rasta man to have to display a soft side as one to show he can be vulnerable. Stoicism is one of the attributes the street teaches you especially when you decide to pursue the ‘dreadlock’ ways. I will try spill only that which will show me as human as any other proper man for now being a single soul and searching, I need a proper woman for I am mingling.
I am sorry I did jump before the gun. I told you the end before the beginning, is that not what synopsis are for?

Her name today will be Silver. Thinking about Silver, evokes life and death. Life for I lived for another being and death for my heart was pumped to detest and repel betrayal, contempt and pretense. It is the collection of thoughts one litters in your mind, and going through the memory lane is like going through a family album seeing versions of you and your family members morph to what is at the present time.
I have but few happy moments and lasting bad times. Times when with the sunrise I would celebrate, walking out on my balcony to have the rays of the sun caress me as her face(Silver’s) I would see it on the surface of that orange object as it made its way out of the hills yonder. And moments when with the sunset I would long to follow it, for it was peace I longed, for I thought the sun had taken some break of sorts. For me it felt a gulp of air for a suffocated body, a sip of water for a thirsty man, all efforts dedicated to save a life as slowly life made its way to worlds unfathomable.

Silver was a bullet. One that when you had possessed it, to you it seemed a treasure for even to a vampire this was a deadly blow. Never one time in your possession would you think this very priced ornament between your index and thumb brought close to your face between your eyes as you admire it will one day be the strange thing to be in your body.
Silver was beautiful. Dark skinned, a body petite, such defined features, her hair would take up any style, and there was just no limits it could get to for the many, few times I got to see her, she had this vibe as if to have a new head every morning. Her legs were a killer. And when she walked you would bet I would be slightly behind not as an incorrigible manner less man to scout and satisfy strange desires but to have to see, what walking with grace meant. She looked light, as if walking on air. I tend to be convinced if she indeed in her graceful steps stepped on insects anywhere either they didn’t die for no weight was on them or it was promotion to glory. Her eyes, lovely to behold. Her nose well put and mouth well in place and all this was in not a long and neither short face that had these chubby cheeks I would peck every time we met.
I ain’t no insect; that is how she walked in my life. Beautiful story of when for once the mind and the heart worked in unison. For it was what the mind determined the heart pursued. It was a system of cogs in perfect synchronization, a perfect symphony in play, chords having to be the very right, light and touching notes, the rhythm soothing and luring that when I tried not to be in tune I paid the price with a chamber in my little heart. She occupied the four of them. Love stricken, feeling all lucky and loathing all gamblers and bet winners not because they did win handsomely but for how it was they celebrated such cheap winnings as compared to mine.

If slither is a bad word that is not what I did. Chronicles of the hunter started this particular day on a chilly morning when I first set my eyes on her. I am a patient predator. But this time I was to forfeit my every instinct I had acquired in the jungle and didn’t care whether my foot steps were loud enough or even that my waft scent had been given away. I seemed not to care to camouflage with my surrounding. I was announcing myself so loudly that caution was to the wolves. Love is blind, I sure couldn’t see, she was the light to my soul perceived and having had darkness for ages finally I would be free. It was that light at the end of the tunnel.
It was on this morning I said hi. In the evening we were under the light of the moon, the shadows of the acacia trees on a well elevated not completed structure wrapped in ‘shukas’ and there was endless chatter. I had led her away from the bonfire lit and our friends playing around it. We seemed not to care of the cold night for the only fire that mattered was this spark I perceived would burst into a furnace. Two souls were delicately weighing their words before they tumbled out. Say what you will dear reader, I believe in love at first sight and this was more than sight. I wish I did take the laughter from the hyenas at a distance seriously for if I had listened keenly they laughed at a joke they made, “It will end in premium tears.” But we had and deep in our world we were. In my head the story of the beauty and beast was repeatedly played for here was my salvation and finally to a form that I would be human.
We were camping in Maasai Mara. Stationed at Aitong’, a vast plain punctuated with hills strategically placed in the way of the sun in that in its rise and set there was a romantic reddening of the sky with it. And so it was for every morning and evening of everyday we were in this beautiful Maasai land two pairs of eyes set to savor this beauty from the heavens would religiously minutes before the either phenomenon unfolded be well stationed at a site for the sight was nothing short of exquisite.

She knew I was chasing and she kept and made it worth the thrill of the chase. She kept me in wonder of what she was thinking and even to get her digits I labored for them.

She was a principled lady and this I swore not to make her any less. I was not helpless romantic as Njoki would put it. Here was my tingle, a niggling urges out of my senses, damn cupid! His arrow messed me up.
She returned to the city earlier that the supposed time for my team and I. A dark cloud for the few days before we would return to the concrete jungle was not healthy for me. It was a bitter pill to swallow. This camp had to end before the wolves, snakes and the infamous hyenas in the city…this thought I discarded and dismissed fast as it came…
Fast forward to when in the city, my mind was made up. Creatives never lack ways to amuse a soul. After days that turned to months my intent was more clear than my reflection on my mirror. I felt sure that day if there had been a scale of surety my confidence was the maximum. It was two weeks to when I got my feedback. On one of the city’s tall buildings, this place being close to heaven with this more than good news, I was in heaven. So here was my start of keeping diaries, documenting the times and important dates lest I forgot and forced to apologies profusely, accompanying this, with bribes(gifts) for the next decade. I adored this lady. She didn’t make me go gaga, but I was madly in love. Poems flowed from the very fountains of my existence, Shakespeare clearly had nothing on me. Next to paying tithes was the joints I endlessly would scout and take my lady. Walking her on the streets to where she would take her train home, were priceless times: flowing conversations, completion of each other’s sentences, the bursts of the loud laughter we would have from the description of things we would see on our way through the avenues, the joke filled and sarcasm …Ah! This must be heaven!

Texts and calls were in loads. This woman was a treasure. She had this smile she knew I loved and she had it on unless when we were arguing. Troubles came knocking and out they went how they came. It was always us getting to the other side despite and in spite of. And so the highlight dawned, we both happened to be ‘sick’ almost in the same week and a vacation was reckoning. We took a flight. The land of coconut, palms and sandy beaches saw the best of us. The culmination of the days we spent in this ‘Wonderland’ would end under the stretch of the sky, littered with the twinkling stars, below the streets where no one would see the intertwining of two beautiful souls on the rooftop the night breeze bringing to us good tidings and what beautiful and positive vibes to shower us.
Back to the city our souls and body healed, the devil had a gift. My works entails lots of transfers and here was one handed to me to a land thousands of miles. A test we had not signed up for. However, we knew nothing would come between us. There we were at the airport. Like two kids, drenched in tears, devastated. I had to leave. A moment our souls sank to the lowest, at least for me.
Texts and call were in floods. Though in different time zones we did hack and with this assurance guaranteed than that of the insurances I was secure. It was to be for a couple of months and I would be back. By the second week there was the drop in the messages and calls. Not once did I call only to be notified to call later and my texts went unanswered. I tried to be in the city alternating weekends and each meet up was colder than the last. “What is the issue?”, “Do you still love me?” I never got the answers. I still held on. Could be her hormones.

On a surprise visit to the city with gifts from the distant lands, there she was. That evening she walked out of the glass doors out of the building and as I left the place I stood as to ambush her, I saw them. She hugged him with such familiarity. This was not normal. I decided to wait to see the whole drama unfold. My heart was wringed. All it’s life was gone. I needed Jesus, only HIM at this particular time knew what a ‘Judaical’ moment I was going through. A stab fits not the description. Paraded naked to the guillotine carries not the feeling of rejection and the famous plague of darkness was such light as to that moment of her and him. They kissed. I watched them exchange pleasantries and my turn around was one of a made up mind.

Solemn moment:
I asked to meet her the following day. There in a restaurant I had the imagery of a hospital. A life support machine switched off and slowly watching life ebb away. The room is silent apart from the faint breathing from he or she on the bed. No one prepares you for grief. There is a lump on your throat, tears have formed waiting for you to blink so they may roll, it will be a silent cry.
So out she walked. Having feigned anger, disappointment and brokenness. This was my silver bullet served on silver platter. This was to be the last time I would see her. I saw her dress fade in the distance, as the doves around flew to the heavens. I sighed, I promised not to die for I needed to see the sunrise and take out the bullet.

Uhoro waku? We have been doing international and clearly, we do it different today, just like everything else going on in the world seems- different! Now, if you’re Kenyan, ‘Uhoro waku?’ is basic in the language of business here, yes? If you’re not, I ask, how are you?

This article is definitely long overdue. You have to believe me when I tell you that the devil has paid me a visit. No! I’m not talking about COVID-19, cos y’all know that it feels like the devil is here to stay, and we involuntarily feed and house him for all the while he feels like being around! Devil, please! (I read somewhere that what’s going on is pretty much the world being like our parents telling us, ‘Go to your room and think about what you’ve done. Is it okay?’ Anyhoo!) I say he has paid me a visit because bad things have been happening – my laptop charger is spoilt and I can’t get another soon-please don’t ask what brand of laptop it is. HINT: I am a student at JKUAT and the school makes laptops. Whew! So I had to write this article on paper, and again type on my phone, which, if you blog, you know is not fun!

We have been doing a lot of philosophy lately- on matters death, entitlement and stuff. Today’s is a bit different, just as the title suggests. We have no title guys cos I’m going to say everything, and nothing too!

See, I had a conversation with my girlfriend the other day, who happens to be in a very stable relationship with this guy who adores her. Heck! He wants to marry her right after she graduates from uni (we are agemates, and she’s certain she’d want to marry him. I can’t even decide which I love better- Krackles or Tropical Heat potato crisps. Bam!) You know how it goes, ‘Tell me about you Njoki. Any new guy?’ As I usually do, I shrugged my shoulders and tactfully evade the question, ‘Ah! Zangu tusiongelelee. Tell me about the man!’ Today I am here to answer you baby girl. Here is the answer!

There is no new guy!

I’d have left it at that cos that in itself is a complete answer, but I won’t, because there’s a story. I have truly loved before. There was this one I loved to call ‘muru wa Wangari’, that is, Wangari’s son. I have had special things with people. I have liked some men, but not half as much as I did Wangari’s son.

At this point, those who know me are mad and are probably like, ‘Are we still talking about him?’ and I am here to tell you that yes! We are talking about him. Grab a seat and a glass of juice, or a cup of hibiscus!

‘MOVE ON SIS!’ If I got a dollar every time I heard that line, I swear, Bill Gates would have nothing on me. Right after high school, I decided to take care of my father’s poultry and that meant that I regularly had to go to the feeds store to get feeds and sometimes, drugs for weak shells, and for a heart that was slowly but surely, falling in love. No, I wasn’t in love with the shop. I loved to go there on Saturday evenings because that was when the shop owner’s son would be around, helping the mum. This boy, Wangari’s son, was (still is) the cutest thing (after my nephew) and OMG! He speaks so well (Aluoch, we are yet to get a name for this.) He had an afro bigger than my life, and it was usually uncombed. It was love at first sight! Ha! No, I had a crush on him! A thud! Suddenly I’m not sure which is more intense.

You know the anxiety, the butterflies in your tummy? I’d have a million and I couldn’t say anything more than, ‘Sasa! Nisaidie 2 kgs of layers’ mash.’ So one time we talked for around five minutes and I can’t even remember what we said to each other, because!! Sis. Was. Excited. As excited as can be! Those minutes felt like the best I had had in ages! Then I started asking my girls to accompany me to the shop so they would see this guy, like I was leading them to a treasure unknown to the rest of the world, and I loved to hear, ‘OMG he’s so cute!’ As if I owned him.

Ours happened a bit fast, because a few days later, we coincidentally met at a mutual friend’s stall and he was legit excited to see me(at least I thought he was, and that was what mattered to me), and so was I. He walked up to me and was like, ‘It’s 5 pm and I’ve had a really long day. I woke up feeling blue and decided to put on my lucky boxers yet nothing good has happened so far, until now that I have met you. How are you?’ Ugh! My heart! (First of all, who owns a pair of lucky boxers?)

The second time we met was a time we had a hang-out at our friend’s where I got really late and when everyone told me, ‘Drinks zimeisha,’ he got me a blue bottle of cold caffeinated Azam, which he really loved, from his bag. He saved me a bottle of his favorite drink! I drank it as he taught his friends how to play guitar! He was ahead of his game, I thought!

We went on and on, and somehow, that was the beginning of a beautiful part of my life. He became my first boyfriend!

Now, I don’t think I’d be writing this if it ended as beautifully as it started, and I’m not even sure I should share this with you, but after talking to a few people like me; people who love deeply and don’t move on within three weeks, I thought, why not?

Wangari’s son was a huge part of my life – I let him be. He is the reason I simply cannot listen to a song and enjoy the lyrics because he would make me shout, ‘Acoustic guitar. Electric. Drums. Piano…’ any time we were listening to music, which was basically all the time (his love for musical instruments and beat-making was unmatched!) He’d look at me goofily with his beautiful eyes when I’d get it wrong, and if we could freeze time, then, I would.

He somewhat made me a perfectionist because of how delicately, carefully, he’d chop potatoes when making fries, or how neatly he’d fold his clothes. Also, his best guy friend and I were beneficiaries of his good cooking, and terrible fails at making black forest cake.

The boy’s honesty would easily pass for rudeness when he’d seriously tell strangers, ‘No! Don’t touch my hair!’ and I’d get so embarrassed whenever he pulled that until he tells me, ‘Ketchup, if you don’t know me don’t touch my hair. I’m not touching yours.’ Wow!

He was a huge fan of decluttering and he had good taste, I’d get his jackets and sweaters and when I’d express how grateful I am, he’d hit me with, ‘Yeah! For taking all the trash.’ When he got me some really nice top which no longer fits but I refuse to dispose, he said, ‘Good things for good people’ and being called good by him felt like the best thing! Ugh!

Our love language was sending voice notes and creating playlists for each other- songs that I listen to and want to cry a river, or hug him, or shoot him ten times in the head (with a toy gun full of water). If you think I’m savage, you should meet him. I loved him more for that. I remember this time, we were peeling carrots and I swear I almost chopped off my finger and I screamed ‘Ouch!’ He ran from across the kitchen to where I was and I was like, ‘Aaaww! You care about me that much!’ He looked at me and said, ‘No! I just didn’t want the door to get stained with blood.’ I still get excited when I meet his baby sister and she runs to hug me, and when I meet her mum and she says, ‘Kairetu. Siku hizi umepotea. Huwa sikuoni…’ and I feel like explaining that her son and I are not as tight anymore, but I can’t, you know!

I will never again date a guy from around our home because low-key (very high-key) everything would would remind me of him- that’s where I would buy him chocolate. This is where we’d take walks and this was our favorite spot and and after hugging goodbye, he’d say, ‘I love to watch you leave,’ as he stood to watch me walk to our place (he loved my figure so watching me leave- he loved to do that! Lol!)

I have read a million articles on How To Get Over An Ex. Heck! There was one I read the other day where the lady had a mathematical formula to calculate how long it takes to get over someone- boyfriend, boyfriend-ish(situationships), whatever! I won’t even go into that cos it annoyed me that the formula didn’t work for me.

All relationships are different, and so are break-ups and how we heal. Some may miss their cup of hibiscus at a given time more than they miss their ex. Others may miss Oreo biscuits more than the people they were in situationships with. It varies!

We see it everywhere- in movies (watch Best Of Me if you haven’t). We read about such love stories – stories that seemingly have no ending, where people cheat on their spouses with their exes from their teenage years. It is real- it seemed so to me for a while. The tips I got are as follows:

1. Cut all forms of communication. Do not beat drums or send smoke signals or send an email nor text, until you’re sure you’ve completely healed, however long it takes.

2. Do not think of what you would have done differently to save the relationship. It is what it is.

3. Do not wallow and depress yourself with the thought of ‘He’s the only one for me. I’ll never get another like him/her.’ Yes, that is mostly true. You might never get another Son of Wangari, but there are other amazing people you’d build great relationships with, when you have healed and are ready to experience someone in that way again.

4. Don’t overthink it. Again, it is what it is. Channel your energy into things like making art, dancing, journaling, learning a language, instead of stressing about what happened ages ago.

Start the healing and be a bit more deliberate on it- I don’t care if it’s Marvin, Benjamin, Alejandro, Paul, Achieng’, Akinyi, or Nafula. You will get over them and you will be fine, okay? We need to heal so we can be better people who do not hurt others. Also, you are luckier than you think if this information is useless to you – if you have never gone through a terrible break-up.

For the 84th time, I have made a decision to neither call nor text him, and I hope I will keep my word to myself this time, cos I should. In fact, I will buy sand paper to erase the writing I made on my bed’s board on the first day we kissed, and I might delete the selfies I sent to my sister of me crying that very day, or not, because there are things we don’t forget, or do we?

Spread love and light in the spaces you find yourself in. I hope those spaces are just your houses, because, QUARANTINE!

If you relate to what you’ve just read, please download the song ‘Didn’t I love you?’ by One Republic. You are welcome!

Be well!

Hey! How are you? What have you been up to lately? I have been eating, sleeping, reading, working around the house, getting very shocked on watching news from all around the world, because of, you know what- COVID 19! You’ve probably heard enough about this whole thing and I am definitely not here to echo all that and make you scared, if you’re not yet. I hope you are staying safe, and that you are in touch with your friends and your grandparents (you’re blessed if they are here. Hallelujah!)

I know, the topic is rather different. You are not special. You’re so used to hearing words like, ‘You are very special. No one is like you. You deserve to be treated well by everyone. You are extra-ordinary…’ No! YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL.

Here’s why. See, I grew up in Dagoretti Corner, and that meant that the closest supermarket was Nakumatt Junction (Nakumatt was the real deal then! It went down like our economy is right now, and sadly, some of our hopes and aspirations). That was not the point. I remember seeing very rich families- Kenyan, Asian and American families, and the shock on my face when a kid would scream in the supermarket so the parents would buy a toy that cost 100 US dollars, or a box of Belgian chocolate. I think what shocked me more was not the kids’ drama nor the parents’ helplessness and lack-of-options that made them buy the very things. It was imagining myself crying like that and seeing myself spending a night or three in the hospital bed because of the injuries inflicted on me by my folks. The people that bore me. Yes! Such behaviors would simply not be entertained, and we understood that. Perfectly! We would never go shopping minus a list- of maize flour, sugar, wheat flour, soap, and other basics and snacks whose prices made sense, to my parents. Hello, my sister Margaret and brother Peter! I love you two.

Our baby has that thing too- where ‘NO’ cannot be an answer. ‘I want yoghurt right now,’ and I tell him we will buy the next day and he gets mad. I am talking about entitlement. I think it is innate to want good things for ourselves and want people to give us what we want, and treat us how we want to be treated, and tell us things we want to hear, like ‘Yes. Let us go buy yoghurt right now.’ I see it in my relationships with people- with friends, and family, even strangers. A woman heavy with child would expect you to open the door and let her pass before you do even though you got there before she did. You should not let her queue. She should be the first one to be served, and I am glad our society mostly has respect for women, and for people who are disabled (read, abled differently), but really, it is just for that! Respect! Kindness! Being considerate! They are not entitled to it- a person who refuses to give up their seat for the lady will not get arrested, yes?

I got curious and decided to do a bit of research on matters entitlement. According to psychologists Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko, entitlement is one of several self-defeating behavior patterns, called ‘life traps.’ There are three types:

Spoiled entitlement
A person sees him/herself as special, is demanding and controlling and wants everything his/her way.
Dependent entitlement
A person feels entitled to depend on other people. They place themselves in the weak, incompetent, needy role and expect other people to be strong and take care of them.

Impulsivity
A person has difficulty controlling his/her behavior and feelings. They let other people assume responsibility for their everyday affairs and their decision-making. They lack organization and structure and have trouble tolerating frustration while completing long-term boring or routine tasks.

I am not a psychologist, however I am definitely a people person who seeks to meet people and experience them, to know why they do what they do, you know! I have interacted with those who feel entitled for whatever reason, and I am not oblivious of the fact that I also exhibit signs of entitlement, and on such days I force myself to slow down, because I should. Entitled people do not look at themselves and often blame others for their problems. They lack empathy and feel entitled to more than that they give. Entitlement, let’s agree, is such an ugly way to be in the world. Can you remember reading about incidents where a man axed a girl to death because she rejected him? He could not handle a ‘NO!’ in a healthy way. It is why an old uncle will want to rape his niece because the girl’s parents died and he has taken care of her all her life. So she owes him that. Her body. It is why a priest will sodomize boys in the orphanage he established to help children from poor families. It is why a politician would refuse to accept defeat in an election. ‘I was supposed to win. I deserve victory. How could they possibly refuse to elect me? ´ You know what happens next? War! People lose their lives. Terrible, isn’t it?

From another angle, entitlement can be valuable. The belief that we have the right to take care of ourselves, the right to be respected by others and the right not to be hurt by them is crucial to our emotional well-being. It helps us set boundaries- it defines what we can and cannot accept- something any sober person would totally advocate for.
We are social creatures and while we interact, it is inevitable that we will have expectations from people. It is expecting my boyfriend (where are you?) to remember everything, and I will get really mad if he forgot my birthday. I expect him to remember. Parents are expected to be there for their children. I tell my dad I am grateful every time he gives me my fee slip, because as much as I am his daughter and he is responsible for my financial issues right now, I know there are people with fathers that are not really there for their children. I am not talking about those that genuinely don’t have the ability. This is about the irresponsible ones- you know one or two. We all think they are terrible, right? There would be more happy people in the world when there are less frustrations in relationships; when expectations are realistic, and when not met, addressed in amicable ways.
We need to understand that others also have their needs. Only when we learn to manage the balance between our needs and those of others can we have genuinely satisfying, intimate, life-affirming relationships with other people.

A Christian blogger, Trent Hamm puts it like this, ‘…being respectful of other people’s needs and wishes, while not neglecting our own is satisfying.’
I hope you will purpose to only pursue healthy relationships, that you will not be toxic to anyone by expecting too much from them, that you will not allow yourself to be manipulated by anyone into doing things for them because they made you believe that you owe them that. Boyfriend, do not forget her birthday. Also, get a new toothbrush because it has been a minute.

Now more than ever, be well.
Share this with those you love, follow Rusty fingers. Merci beaucoup!

Also, can someone share this article with a politician? We are entitled to access to healthcare facilities, equality, security, etc. That’s by all means a healthy sense of entitlement- you can take that to the bank.